Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a flat tire.
It's always darkest before the dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of water with both feet.
If you think that no one cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That will put you a mile away from them, and you'll have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
It only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you can't learn when your lips move.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the butt. It's downhill from there.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
No matter what happens, someone will find a way to take it too seriously.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
Everyone is normal, until you get to know them.
The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed.
