| ABBOTT : | Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? |
| COSTELLO : | Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. |
| ABBOTT : | Mac? |
| COSTELLO : | No, the name is Lou . |
| ABBOTT : | Your computer? |
| COSTELLO : | I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. |
| ABBOTT : | Mac? |
| COSTELLO : | I told you, my name is Lou. |
| ABBOTT : | What about Windows? |
| COSTELLO : | Why? Does it get stuffy? |
| ABBOTT : | Do you want a computer with Windows? |
| COSTELLO : | I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? |
| ABBOTT : | Wallpaper. |
| COSTELLO : | Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. |
| ABBOTT : | Software that runs on Windows? |
| COSTELLO : | No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? |
| ABBOTT : | Office. |
| COSTELLO : | Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? |
| ABBOTT : | I just did. |
| COSTELLO : | You just did what? |
| ABBOTT : | Recommend something. |
| COSTELLO : | You recommended something? |
| ABBOTT : | Yes. |
| COSTELLO : | For my office? |
| ABBOTT : | Yes. |
| COSTELLO : | Okay, what did you recommend for my office? |
| ABBOTT : | Office. |
| COSTELLO : | Yes, for my office. |
| ABBOTT : | Office for Windows. |
| COSTELLO : | I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? |
| ABBOTT : | Word. |
| COSTELLO : | If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? |
| ABBOTT : | Word. |
| COSTELLO : | What word? |
| ABBOTT : | The Word in Office. |
| COSTELLO : | The only word in "office" is "office." |
| ABBOTT : | The Word in Office for Windows. |
| COSTELLO : | Which word in "office for windows"? |
| ABBOTT : | The Word you get when you click the blue W. |
| COSTELLO : | I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? |
| ABBOTT : | Real One. |
| COSTELLO : | Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? |
| ABBOTT : | Real One. |
| COSTELLO : | If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four? |
| ABBOTT : | Of course. |
| COSTELLO : | Great! With what? |
| ABBOTT : | Real One. |
| COSTELLO : | Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? |
| ABBOTT : | You click the blue 1. |
| COSTELLO : | I click the blue one what? |
| ABBOTT : | The blue 1. |
| COSTELLO : | Is that different from the blue W? |
| ABBOTT : | Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. |
| COSTELLO : | What word? |
| ABBOTT : | The Word in Office for Windows. |
| COSTELLO : | But there are three words in "office for windows"! |
| ABBOTT : | No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. |
| COSTELLO : | It is? |
| ABBOTT : | Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. |
| COSTELLO : | And that word is the real one? |
| ABBOTT : | No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. |
| COSTELLO : | Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? |
| ABBOTT : | Money. |
| COSTELLO : | That's right. What do you have? |
| ABBOTT : | Money. |
| COSTELLO : | I need money to track my money? |
| ABBOTT : | Money. |
| COSTELLO : | Money comes bundled with my computer? |
| ABBOTT : | Exactly. No extra charge. |
| COSTELLO : | I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? |
| ABBOTT : | Just one copy. |
| COSTELLO : | I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? |
| ABBOTT : | No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. |
| COSTELLO : | Microsoft can license you to make money? |
| ABBOTT : | Why not? They own it. |
| COSTELLO : | Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? |
| ABBOTT : | Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. |
| COSTELLO : | Well, what do you sell in its place? |
| ABBOTT : | Money. |
| COSTELLO : | You sell money? |
| ABBOTT : | Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. |
| COSTELLO : | That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? |
| ABBOTT : | Simply Accounting. |
| COSTELLO : | Probably, but it might get a little complicated. |
| ABBOTT : | If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. |
| COSTELLO : | M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? |
| ABBOTT : | Mind Your Own Business. |
| COSTELLO : | I beg your pardon? |
| ABBOTT : | No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. |
| COSTELLO : | Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money. |
| ABBOTT : | Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. |
| COSTELLO : | More money? |
| ABBOTT : | More than Money. Money can't do everything. |
| COSTELLO : | I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? |
| ABBOTT : | GoBack. |
| COSTELLO : | Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? |
| ABBOTT : | GoBack. |
| COSTELLO : | How many times do I have to repeat myself? |
| ABBOTT : | I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. |
| COSTELLO : | How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? |
| ABBOTT : | Word. |
| COSTELLO : | But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. |
| ABBOTT : | No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows. |
| COSTELLO : | But there's three words in . . Oh, never mind. |
| *click* | |
| ABBOTT : | Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. |